This post to talk about girl stuff.  Girl stuff that all girls hate – and girl stuff that no guy wants to read about. 

You have been warned.

Was talking via email today with a friend.  I realize that how awful a friend I’ve been lately.  Truly.  I don’t respond immediately to emails, I have packages ready to send that really just are waiting for my sorry ass to take to the post office.  I’m horrible about returning phone calls.  And I don’t remember the last time I sent anyone a card – a ‘just because’ kind of card. 

Made me think about why I’ve been so distant.  The first of the year was not pleasant.  Truth is my hubby and I were on the verge of breaking up.  I even left for a few days right before New Years.  It was not fun.  And in all honesty – just absolutely broke my heart.  Things were said.   He says - he didnt mean what he said – that he was just not dealing well with  the loss of his Father in October.  Which is true – but I had and still have a hard time letting go of some of the things he said to me.   We are coping, trying to work thru it now but the truth is – I’m not good with trusting people.   And once you burn me -I’m pretty much done with you.   The love of my life putting this doubt in my mind and heart has really affected me.   In more ways than one.  But like I said – we are working thru it.

Next we have my health issues which seem to be non-stop.  Last month I was hospitalized after a really heavy period (this is the tmi part people).  I have been dealing with the “monthly’s” from hell for over a year now.  I’m used to being tired, weak, and droggy for a week every month.   To me – it was part of the joys of being a woman.  hmph.  This month I happened to have a annual exam the day after my period ended.   Dr called and said I needed to be hospitalized, my hemo was at critical levels and less than half it should be.  I apparently have something called ‘iron deficiency anemia’ and the monthly curse does not help.   Because of the nature of this problem – I didnt tell many people.  And the few (3 total) I told -  were all very kind but due to the nature of the problem (my menstrual cycle – eww) I didnt go into great detail on what was going on in my head.  The fears.  The worries.  The concerns I was having.  I was a nervous wreck. 

And you know what – I think the privacy/secretive thing all stems from trust.    Not that these people have done anything to me to make me doubt them, quite the opposite.  I think that I may have taken on a head trip to just not trust the world.  How screwed up is that?  And what a awful way to live out my life – not trusting. 

Not to mention – what a awful friend it makes me.

So now.  What to do.  First to apologize to those of you who I know love me.  My family, my friends – you know who you are.  And to let you know I love you.  And….

….I’m going to work on it.